Glorified Version of A Stranger

Written on 1/7/2008 – 3:47 am | by keysinunez.com | 5,156 Views

Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who do such wrong things on the first date. I for one have had a lot of negative experiences, like getting slapped, getting slapped, getting slapped. Okay, I was a creep back then, but let’s all concentrate on the topic. This is a guide for neophytes in the dating game.

Please note that each item in this guide outlines a brief summary, appended with a brief scenario on the positive and negative effects of following the item.

1. Don’t be late

It is imperative that you arrive on time for your date. Remember, first impressions last. May I also stress that arriving on time is one of the major prerequisites to a successful date. Arriving early will give you the chance to familiarize yourself with the venue for the date. This means that this allows you to look for the nearest exit in case you need to bail out suddenly and you don’t have the heart to tell your date. Arriving late on the other hand will make you less of a man. Your date may think that, a. you’re a lazy bastard; b. you’re too poor to own a watch; c. you still live with your mom. If you have a problem with time management, then it is recommended that you plan your date 3 months in advance. This gives you the time to plan your drinking sessions, cancel your other dates, ask for date money from your parents. Schmuck.

Negative:
You (looks at watch): “Argh!!! Get out of my way people!!!”
You (arrives at the venue of the date only to find out that she’s already found someone else): “FUCK!!!”

Positive:
You (already at the venue): “…”
Her: “Hi!”
You: “Hey!”
Her: “Wow, this is a great restaur…”
You: “So 7 minutes and 36 seconds ago the waiter asked if I wanted to order”
Her: “Yeah?”
You: “Yeah, so I asked him if I looked pathetic because my date was late.”
Her: “…”
You: “…”
Her: “Look I’m so sorr…”
You (bursts into tears): “I’m okay… I am… I… Am…” (bursts into tears again)

2. Don’t be touchy

I have a friend who just can’t help but touch my arm every time she’s telling a story. I don’t know if it’s because she can’t get enough of my awesomeness, or if it’s because it’s a mental disorder. Now if you’ve been dating her for a while, then I guess it would be okay, but for chrissakes don’t touch anywhere offensive! For first daters out there, don’t touch unless she initiates! I can never stress this enough: sexual harassment will take your pathetic life should your date feel harassed. Clear enough for you bud?

Negative:
You (touches her hand and leans forward for a kiss): “How are you?”
Her (slaps your mug): “Excuse me?”
You: “what the…”
Her: “DADDY, DADDY! A PERVERT IS HARASSING ME!!!”

Positive:
You (touches her hand and leans forward for a kiss): “Good evening fair maiden!”
Her (warily moves backward): “How art thou?”
You (puckers lips): “The chilling Northeast Monsoon has blown me all the way to this special place just to be with thou!”
Her: “DADDY, DADDY! A PERVERT IS HARASSING ME!!!”

3. Don’t stare

For some reason, most men find it difficult to maintain eye contact. This is either due to distractions, or the date is simply boring. One good thing about keeping eye contact is that you date will think that you’re really interested in what she’s saying (even if in your mind, your thinking about the next Heroes episode), or you find her really attractive. Maintain eye contact, coupled with verbal nods, and you’ll go a long way. Nurse your distractions, look at her hands, chest, hair, you feet, the other woman at the table, the entrance, and your one step closer to getting slapped.

Negative:
Her: “So this morning I sat with my boss in a meeting and we talked about how we can improve our team’s revenue…”
You (staring at her breasts): “…”
Her: “We arrived at taking the entire team out of town to develop our bonding…”
You (staring at her breasts): “…”
Her: “And we chose a lavish beach resort about 60 kilometers from… Are you staring at my breas…”
You (staring at her breasts): “Shhhh, quiet please, I’m staring at your breasts.”
Her (covers cleavage): “…”
You (still staring at her breasts): “…”
Her: “Could you please stop star…”
You: “Would you mind turning around now? It’s time to stare at your ass. I’m done staring at your breasts.”

Positive:
You (looks around the restaurant upon entering): “…”
Her: “This is a great restaurant. The ambiance is just perfect for romance! It’s like what they show in the movies!”
You (looks at the bar): “Yeah…”
Her: “They should start making more romantic movies. There’re just too many action movies around. I mean, not everyone wants to see Michael Dudicoff beating 5 bad guys at the same time. There are a lot of people who want to see romance on the big screen! Movies with David Hasselhoff are really awesome!”
You (imagines the bottle of Jack Daniel’s floating across the room to your hand): “Yes, I agree.”
Her: “I think Keannu Reaves is just overrated. The Matrix Trilogy was great, but then again, so was Gone with the Wind.”
You (looks at watch): “Uhuh…”
Her: “And don’t even get me started on the James Bond series…”
You (trying to look inside her skull): “…”
Her: “…Are …Are you okay?”
You (looks down and feels crotch): “Yes, yes we’re okay.”

4. Offensive jokes

Being funny is cool. Trying to be funny is not. You end up acting like a standup comedian from the 18th century. Now there are a lot of jokes that you can crack. The best are spontaneous ones. No preparation, just cracking one joke after another based on your surroundings. This however has a limit. There’s a thin line between being funny and being offensive. You can be a winner by being sensitive in your jokes (albeit politically correct) or you can be mean and end up home alone. Your choice bud.

Negative:
You: “Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering! Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!”
Her (stares blankly): “…”
You: “I got another one… A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. You know what the man wishes for?”
Her (stares blankly): “…”
You: “He says, OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death. Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!”
Her (Sobs): “…”
You: “Here’s a winner, a man eats a can of beans and…
Her (wails): “…”
You: “Okay, I think you know that one already, how about the man who accidentally pukes while he’s making out with his date?”
Her (runs away): “…”

Positive:
Her: “and then the man sees the boy eating a banana!”
You: “Hahaha! That’s a good one.”
Her: “Yeah, so do you know any funny jokes?”
You: “Ahh yeah! Let me see… Do you know that one about God punishing the evil… Nah, that’s old. How about the girl who had IQ challenges? Wait no, not that… I know, that joke about the giraffe… Oh that one’s really corny…
Her: “Ummmm… It’s okay really. If you…”
You: No, no! I got this. Let’s see… A funny joke, very humorous, and entertaining… umm umm umm…
Her (twiddling fingers): “…” It’s okay…”
You: “I got it! If Ronald McDonald were purple, what would he be?”
Her: “…”
You: “Grimace! He’d be Grimace McDonald! Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!”
Her: “Ummm… Hehe?”
You: “Wait here’s another one!”

5. Mind your own business

Concentrating on your date really helps. Ogling the chick across the room is a no-no. Ogling the dude across the room is downright disgusting (if you’re a man). Never mind that the lady to the left is picking her nose. Never mind the guy with his fly open on the dance floor. Never mind that noisy kid in the other table. Never mind the… you get the point.

Negative:
You: “Holy shit! That girl behind you just bended over! I think I saw the crack of her ass!”
Her (appalled): “…”
You (leans forward to whisper): And that guy behind you has been scratching his armpits all night. Then after scratching he smells his fingers. Hahaha!”
Her (frowns): “Never mind the people in this place. Let’s talk about y…”
You: “Hold on, that sexy babe’s going to the john. I think I’m gonna go check her out.”
Her (cries): You asshole!!! *runs away*

Positive:
You: “You look beautiful in that halter.”
Her (blushes): “Why, thank you. That’s very sweet of you.”
You: “You’re welcome. It looks really sheer. Are you wearing a bra?”
Her (shocked): “Ummm…”
You: “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer that question.”
Her (stares blankly): “…”
You (looks at her bag): “Is that the new bag by Louis Vuitton? How the hell were you able to afford that? Better yet, who’d you steal it from? *snatches bag from her hand* OMG! All the shit in here is branded! You’re like the real rich bitch, only hotter and sexier! OMG I can’t believe my luck! Give me a moment while I close my eyes and say a thank you prayer!”
Her (already in her car, speeding home): “…”

6. Don’t be cheap

Taking her to a cheap, unknown restaurant is one thing, but if the place looks like the slum areas, think again. Normally, you’d want to impress her by taking her to a 5-Star Restaurant, but if you’re short on dough, you’d want to consider other alternatives. No, fastfood joints do not count as an alternative. There are a lot of affordable restos in the Metro today. Remember, good food need not be expensive.

Negative:
You (signals the waiter): “Check please!”
*waiter hands over bill*
You (fishes back pocket for wallet): “Don’t worry I got this.”
Her (fishes wallet in bag): “No it’s okay, I don’t mind.”
You (opening wallet): “It’s all good, I got this.”
Her (handing over cash to the waiter): Here sir. Thanks.
You (bashes Her head with a champagne bottle): WTF lady?! Do I look like I can’t afford to foot the bill? Who the fuck do you think you are?!?!

Positive:
You (signals the waiter): “Check please!”
*waiter hands over bill*
You (fishes back pocket for wallet and then takes out credit card): “Don’t worry I got this.”
Her (fishes wallet in bag): “No it’s okay, I don’t mind.”
You (hands credit card over to waiter): “Here sir. Thanks.”
Her (smiles sweetly): “Thanks. That was generous of you, considering that the food here’s expensive. Give me a second to freshen up, okay? I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”
You (smiles knowing that it was her credit card that you used to pay for everything): No worries! I’ll be right here.

7. Not talking

A date is part of the getting-to-know-you process where in you find out more about the person you are with. Not talking just flushes the entire date into the toilet without a second thought. You’ll want her to be comfortable with you so that you won’t have problems getting her drunk later. Don’t just eat your dinner in silence. Talk about your interests. Talk about your experiences, but don’t monopolize the conversation. You’ll have to sound interested in what she has to say. Merely staring though her skull doesn’t help… so does staring at her breasts. You’ll have to do the verbal nods together with gestures and follow-up questions, so you’ll definitely need to use your brain whether you like it or not.

Negative:
You: “So this morning my landlord knocked at my door asking for sugar! I can’t believe that guy! He badgers me about the rent day in and day out, and then he has the nerve to ask for sugar? I mean, WTF? Right? Do I look like I have a fucking sugarcane plantation in my bedroom?”
Her (awkward): Ummm… yeah…”
You: “Then there’s his stupid dog! It’s filthy and fucking horny I tell you! The other day, I almost had a heart attack when I was on my way to vandalize a wall. When I stepped out of the apartment, his filthy mutt began humping my leg like there’s no tomorrow. I mean man, when the dog was done my pants were wet with cum. I had to go back in and change my pants. Luckily, I chanced upon the hot chick next door changing clothes too, so I had no choice but flog it.”
Her (blushing uncomfortably): “WHAT?”
You: “Yeah. I flogged it crazy! I mean, I just got humped by the fucking dog. I was kinda turned on, do animals turn you on?
Her (on the phone): “Dad? Yeah, it’s me. Can you pick me up right now? There’s someone harassing me.”

Positive:
You: “Yeah, so that’s what happened.”
Her: “I know how you feel. I’m sorry about what happened.”
You: ”It’s okay.”
Her: “…”
You: “…”
Her: “Sorry, I couldn’t get it off my mind. What happened to you was horrible!”
You: “It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about the last time you had sex.”
Her: “Huh?”
You: “Yup, you heard me.”
Her (Slaps you then runs away): “Asshole!”

8. Coming on too strong

I‘ve come across a lot of people with very strong personalities. You normally don’t piss these people off. Not only are their personalities strong, they also have loud voices most of the time, so unless you want a round of bitch-slapping and a scandal, steer clear. The same is true with your date. You don’t want to come in too strong. She’ll get the impression that you’re a cocky bastard who’ll secretly post your sex-videos in the internet. Even if it’s true, you wouldn’t want a potential lay shying away from you, would you?

Negative:
Her (waves her hand): “Hi! How are you doing?”
You (gives her a right hook and hits her square in the jaw): “Doing great girl!”
Her (falls down and hits her head in the curb): “…”
You (kicks her and hits her in the ribs): “Get up bitch! We’re having dinner at Donnie’s!”
Her (lies motionless on the street): “…”

Positive:
You (while walking her home): “Did you see that guy in the next table?”
Her (puzzled): “Huh? Which guy?”
You (excited): “The guy with the green shirt! Did you notice him?”
Her: “Ummm, no. I wasn’t really paying attention.”
You: “Are you kidding me? He was the hottest guy in the whole place!”
Her (more puzzled): “What are you talking about?”
You: “Silly girl! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t give anything just to spend a night of pleasure and ecstasy with him… I would!”

There you have it! Eight glorious tips to a productive first date! Remember, your goal is to get laid. There’s no sense having a girlfriend that you can’t enjoy sex with. If you fit in bed while you’re dating, then there’s a good chance that you’ll have better sex when you’re together.

Do you have any other tips that you think should make it to this list? If you do, please leave a comment.

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